Grappling, Vulnerability, and Cultivating Courage to Face your Fears. 

Throughout the month of March, I’m leading my yoga students through a new routine, with a class intention of Courage.  Perhaps this intention will motivate my students to have ‘courage’ to try a new arm balance (we’re working on Side Crow – get excited!)  Or maybe they’ll reflect on a scary situation they might be facing ‘off the mat’ in their personal lives. 

Today I’d like you join on our journey.   Recall in your mind something long to do or goal you want to accomplish, but have yet to take the leap, maybe because it scares you.  Or, perhaps instead, you are internally conflicted with challenge and are unsure how to move forward.  Stop, take a moment if you need to.  When you have it, write it down, and then continue reading.   In this post, we’ll dissect our challenges and view them with a different lens.  I’ll share with you the research I’ve done over the past few months on Fear, Vulnerability, and Courage.  We’ll also learn from fearless figures such as Brene Brown, Amanda Gorman, Arianna Huffington and BKS Iyengar.  And we’ll have a little laugh while we’re at it!  Let’s dive in. 

Fear is Normal

First know that whatever fear you’re facing is completely normal.  In fact, the human race would not have survived this long had we not possessed this innate emotion.  Our predecessors experienced the same quickness of heartbeat, the release of hormones, the fight or flight responses to prehistoric predators, as we do now towards our modern nemesis’s – anxiety over the future, worry for our children, panic about our debts, etc.

Speaking of children, thank goodness we grow out of certain fears.  My 5-year-old daughter is in the stage where she frequently climbs into our bed with nightmares.  One day it will end…

Something else that’s comforting to note: is Fear is able to be controlled with practice.  We’ll come back to this.

“Fearlessness is like a muscle…. The more I exercise it the more natural it becomes to not let my fears run me.”

– Arianna Huffington – cofounder of the Huffington Post

Identifying your Fear

Sometimes, you may not even know what it is that scares you.  It may be a nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that keeps you up at night.  Or an argument you repeat with yourself – anyone have those?  The only person I argue with more than myself, is my daughter!  Talk about fear… her teenage years terrify me.  But I digress. 

Let me give you an example of a fear I didn’t know I had – Publishing my writing. 

I had a thought a few months ago, that maybe the reason I had been feeling a little off or unaccomplished, was that I hadn’t published any of my work.  I had been writing actually quite a lot, more than I had over the past few years.  But after my initial thoughts were released from my heart to my laptop, I hadn’t returned to review and fine tune my writing.  Was “completion” the key?    

I had lunch with a writer friend shortly after, and I admitted that I was wrestling with my blogging.  I wondered aloud if I could live with Writing for my personal pleasure, or was it important to me that people read it?  She responded right away that for her, people must read it.  I was quite shocked to hear her say that, actually.  I had somehow come to adopt this attitude that it was more ‘noble’ to write for the sake of writing and not for, I don’t know, the glory of publishing, or the ‘likes’ or what have you.  Looking back at this now, I wonder if my attitude was actually the more arrogant of the two. 

Grapple with the Conflict

While struggling with this, I had just begun taking Krav Maga self-defense classes.  And as a preface to this story, let me share that I had never taken any sort of martial arts class.  I mean, my dad made me return the minnows I caught in our local creek as a child.  We were a very pacifist family.  Yet, later in life, I had been intrigued by the concept of Krav Maga, and last Fall I signed up for lessons. 

After a few classes of punching bag drills, our instructor told us to “Grapple.”  I had no idea what he meant.  I shall attempt to describe the scene that ensued.  The pairs of men around me interlocked their arms around each other’s heads and used their body weight to push the other away.  My girlfriend and I gave each other the WTF but oh-kaaaay kind of look and attempted to recreate this spectacle… without giggling.  We didn’t succeed!  Let me tell you, it was such a strange act to be performing.  Especially with a person whom you feel no anger towards! 

But later, I realized that this is a perfect metaphor to relate to my writing challenge.  I “grapple” internally, with publishing my work.  The dictionary definition of Grapple is to “engage in a close fight or struggle without weapons.”  I think the key words are ‘without weapons.’  The purpose is not to “Finish Him” (for those of you who played Mortal Combat in your youth).  It’s to find a position where you can pin him down and then evaluate your options to take the next step. 

Define your fear

The more questions I ask as I grow older, the answer always seems to be found in the ‘why.’   And it doesn’t fail me here.  This is the harder question.  Why don’t I finish or publish my work?  Is it really because I want to keep it internal, basking in the pleasure of creating something profound or eloquent or inspiring …alone?  Or is it because I find excuses to put off the harder work of editing and re-writing.  Or…Is it because someone may read it and not like it.  Or worse, that no one will read it.  That’s an interesting question – which is more painful for me – that no one will read my work, or that no one will like it? 

After reading Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, I realized I was probably the poster child of perfectionism and procrastination.  She writes,

“When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable…we turn our back on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. “

– Brene brown – author of ‘daring greatly’

I finally realized the true nature of my problem of publishing;  I was afraid no one would read or like my writing.  Strangely, when I started my website several years ago, I had no problem releasing my deepest thoughts into the world via my blog.  Whether it was naivety or optimism I just assumed I could launch a successful blog out of the blue.  But after a few years of low readership, and then tack on the pandemic, I became at first disappointed, and then jaded. 

But hey, look on the bright side, I’ve identified my fear!  That’s the first step of overcoming it, right?  Have you figured out your fear yet?  If not, keep grappling.  And while you’re at it, giggle too.

Change your Mindset

In Yoga, we honor our forefathers of the practice by learning and reciting the names of the postures or ‘asanas’ in Sanksrit – the native language of the first Yogis.  In Sanskrit there exists a word, “Abhaya” which means freedom from fear.  B.K.S. Iyengar writes in his book “Light on Yoga,”

“To gain this freedom, what is required is a change of outlook on life and reorientation of the mind.” 

– B.K.S Iyengar – author of ‘Light on yoga’ and one of the greatest teachers of modern yoga

In my strongest moments, I am able to accomplish this reorientation.  Instead of defining ‘success’ as a blogger as one with a large readership or raving reviews, I can find satisfaction when a single person tells me she’s connected with something I wrote.  Now that is a goal that is so much more tangible.  The fall is less steep and scary.  I feel hopeful enough to take the leap.

Maybe you fear failing, or a negative result of your challenge also.  Can you re-define the ‘success’ of your outcome to make your problem less intimidating?  In Yoga we often use blocks to assist us to achieve certain postures. You’ll hear teachers say, “Bring the floor to you,” by using a block as an alternative to the floor. This is a great metaphor of reorientation. Maybe you get frustrated that you can’t do a posture like Standing Splits. But I bet you could if you used a block! Adjust your perspective.

By the way if you fear death, the Light on Yoga goes on to expand on some fascinating existential viewpoints including. “To the yogi, death is the sauce that adds zest to life.”  Now, I think it’ll be a few years before I can buy into that, but I’m not ruling it out!

Vulnerability and Courage

So you’ve identified your fear, you’ve changed your mindset about the outcome, the last step is to find your courage and take the plunge!  Hey, we both made it through the 2020, we can overcome anything.  Amanda Gorman writes so beautifully about this horrific time in her book, Call us What We Carry. 

“Every time we fell heart-first into the news,

Head-first, dread-first

Our bodies tight & tensed with what now?

Yet who has the courage to inquire what if

Shall this leave us bitter? Or better?

Grieve. Then choose.” 

– Amanda gorman – national youth poet laureate and author of ‘Call us what we carry’

If there is something you want badly enough, you must be brave enough to tackle it, and have enough grit to persevere through setbacks.  Again, let us return to our Why.  Why do you want this goal or accomplishment?  Write it down.  Tell it to a loved one.  Record yourself saying it and listen to it on repeat.  When you are crystal-clear on your Why, it becomes more natural to Do.

I want to uplift and connect with women through my gift of writing.  But writing for my own use, or withholding my gift is not useful to anyone but me.  I long to be useful.

What I “carry” are my words and experiences.  Sometimes they do feel like a burden on my back.  Brene Brown encourages us again by expanding in the importance of vulnerability, writing,

“Most people believe vulnerability is weakness.  But really, vulnerability is courage.  We must ask ourselves…are we willing to show up and be seen?“

– Brene brown – author of ‘daring greatly’

I must cultivate the courage to be vulnerable and to publish my work.  How about you?

Success Story

Let me leave you with a little success story.  I recently took a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Course, and about 6 weeks in, I had to stand in the front of our studio and teach my fellow students.  I was beyond nervous and did a terrible job.  It was pretty painful to experience.  That night, I broke down sobbing and told my husband I would never be a Yoga Teacher. 

Over the weeks that followed, I somehow found my resolve, and I began writing my script.  And then I read it over and over.  Then I recorded myself over and over.  And then I listened to my own recording over and over.  Then, I PRACTICED YOGA to my own voice recording over and over.  Then, guess what, I graduated from my class, I auditioned for a job, and I was hired as a Yoga Teacher. 

I’m still practicing. Let’s be honest, I’m not the greatest yoga teacher (yet!).  But I am overcoming my teaching anxiety and it’s getting easier day by day.  And getting back to the Exercising your Fear like a Muscle theory – I think it’s true!  Maybe I was emboldened with my relative success as a yoga teacher, to try something else that scares me – publishing this post.  I’m facing my fear as we speak. 

Conclusion

So, I hope sharing my own personal fears and vulnerabilities, my experiences with grappling and these motivational quotes on courage can encourage you to tackle whatever it is that’s on your heart this month.  To use Brene’s metaphor, Step into your Arena, and go slay your dragon.  I believe in you! 

Also, as a gift to you, stay on the lookout – I’ll be sharing my Spotify playlist “Courage” on Instagram within a few days.  It will pump you up! 

If this post resonates with you, please leave a comment, and maybe share what fears you will face this month! Or, if you are reminded of a friend who could use a little encouragement, please forward this blog post to him or her.